Like most people growing up, I never imagined I’d be in a position where motherhood might not be an option. That wasn’t in my fairy tale. Not in my life plan.
Even now, at 37 years old (37 and a half, to be exact), it’s difficult to come to terms with the fact that my life has turned out nothing like I had planned. I didn’t slide into graduate school after undergrad. I didn’t fall into my dream career after I finished my grad degree. And I certainly didn’t find the man of my dreams at any point along the way.
To be honest, I feel like I’ve spent the last 20 years waiting for my life to start. I can accept the fact that I’m in a career that I only somewhat enjoy, that I’m not making tons of money, that I can’t afford to buy a house, and that I might spend the rest of my days living the so-called “carefree” lifestyle that young single people live (according to my envious coworkers). But the one thing that I can’t seem to accept is that I may never be a mother. That one is hard.
My coworkers were talking one day about using sperm donors to have children. They asked me if I would ever consider doing it. My response was “I don’t know”. And I really didn’t know. I had never considered it. Mostly because I knew it would be extremely expensive and I knew I wouldn’t have the money to do it. But also because I wasn’t sure if it was going to result in my child resenting me because I conceived them with the knowledge that they would grow up not knowing the other person they shared DNA with.
Oddly enough, my incredible and always supportive mother asked me a few weeks later (unaware that I had the conversation with my coworkers), if I had considered having a child on my own using a donor. She said that if it was something I was interested in, she would help me achieve it. Was it a sign that I was supposed to seriously consider it?
I started to think about it. And I thought about it. And I thought about it. Oh, and I cried about it too. It was sad to realize that I might never have a child. It was also a strange feeling to know that I might have a child with someone I didn’t know and would probably never know. It made me feel scared and sad to think that I might raise a child on my own without a partner to share in the exciting, loving, and life changing moments.
I came to realize that I was actually in mourning. Yes, mourning. I was mourning the loss of the life I had always pictured. The life that I wanted. The life that society deemed the most acceptable and the one that I always thought I’d have. I knew that at the end of the day, I would be okay with being single for the rest of my life. I was completely on the fence about whether or not I actually wanted a partner, especially after hearing all the horror stories of my coworkers’ divorces. But I knew that I would never be content in life unless I had a child to nurture.
I decided I had two choices; either continue to live my life as is, always feeling that something was missing, or take the leap and do everything I could to see if I can be a mother. I’ve always tried to live life without regrets, and I knew that if I didn’t at least look into it, I’d always think “What if?” And I couldn’t wait forever to make a decision. With my clock ticking, it was now or never…
A Path Less Traveled 