A Path Less Traveled

First Steps: To the Fertility Clinic I Go

After finally deciding on a fertility clinic, I made the first step of getting a referral from my family doctor.

At my appointment with her, I explained that I was considering freezing my eggs (at this time I was afraid to make the leap of using a donor in case I just happened to meet someone amazing and wanted to have his child). I wasn’t sure how she would take it, as I had read online that some people aren’t supportive of single mothers by choice. For some reason, I expected her to subtly try to discourage me or show her disapproval by not saying much at all.

Instead, she matter-of-factly asked if I had considered just going ahead and having a baby on my own now. It took me by surprise. I said that it would be something I would be interested in, but down the road, as my finances were not where I wanted or needed them to be at the moment. After our conversation, she agreed to refer me to the clinic of my choice. I was relieved by her support and understanding.

A few weeks later, I got a call from the fertility clinic to set up my first appointment. At this appointment, I met with the doctor and discussed my plans. I found out that if I froze just my eggs, I would have to pay for it all myself. If I froze embryos, it would be free, funded by the provincial government.

At this point, I was still terrified of making a wrong decision. What if I froze embryos with donor sperm, then met the man of my dreams and didn’t have any eggs left in my body to have a baby with him? What if I froze only eggs and they didn’t work because they have lower success rate than frozen embryos? I was back to paralyzing fear.

I agonized over my decision until my next follow-up. It was at this appointment that I learned I have low ovarian reserve. I asked the doctor if it would be possible to do an egg retrieval and freeze half as eggs and half as embryos. He seemed surprised. No one had ever asked him that before. He said it would be possible, but very expensive.

In the end, I decided to use a donor and freeze embryos only. The success rate is higher and I can get it funded, leaving me with savings to put towards raising a child. However, the decision didn’t come easily. It felt like I was closing the door on the option to have the life that I had always imagined I would have; the traditional family with a husband. It all felt so final.

Ultimately, I decided that if I can only have one, I would rather have a child than a relationship. I wasn’t going to make my decision based on the chance that I might find a man. What if that never happened and then I also couldn’t have a baby because my frozen eggs were all duds? Instead, I would choose the method that would give me the greatest chances of having a child.

So to the sperm bank I went.

Eeny Meeny Miney Moe: Choosing a Fertility Clinic

After a month or two of thinking, I decided to pursue my dream of being a mother. But the hard part wasn’t over. The major decisions were just beginning.

The first thing I did was research. I learned two incredibly helpful and important things during my online search for guidance and reassurance.

I found out that in Ontario (where I live), everyone gets one free IVF cycle in their lifetime. This was a huge relief, as money had always been a major factor in my decision to even consider having a child on my own. A weight was lifted and I felt that my dream might actually be possible. I wish everyone in Canada (and across the world) had this same gift. Hopefully some day!
I discovered the term “Single Mother By Choice“. And I learned that there was a huge community made up of thousands of women who were in the exact same position as me. Everything changed for me in that moment. I no longer felt like I was alone in my experience. There were so many women who probably felt exactly as I did. They shared my hopes, my fears, my sadness, and my joy. And they would be my teachers as I moved along this path less traveled.

Now that I was armed with more information, I turned my search to looking for a good fertility clinic. I ideally wanted the convenience of a local clinic. I had four to choose from.

After my first look into the clinics’ websites and online reviews, my gut had pointed me in the direction of one in particular. My mind was pretty much made up at that point. Or so I thought.

I had posted a request for clinic recommendations on one of the Single Mother By Choice Facebook groups I belong to. The majority of women had used another fertility clinic and were suggesting that one. No one had mentioned the one I had unofficially chosen or any of the other clinics. I began to second guess my gut.

I soon found myself in the throes of utter confusion. Had my gut been wrong? Why were so many women using the other clinic? Was it because it’s superior to the others? Did people have negative experiences at the one I had originally wanted to go to? Would I lose my chance of having a baby if I chose a bad clinic?

I spent several weeks mulling things over and completely stressing out. I mean, big time stressing out! I enlisted my mom and sister to look at the clinics and tell me which one they thought was better. I even resorted to putting the names of the two clinics I had narrowed it down to into a hat and drawing names (by the way, that didn’t help in the slightest).

I was so confused and so incredibly scared to make the wrong decision. I don’t know why, but I felt that my entire future was hinging on this choice. My mom and sister eventually managed to calm me down by reminding me that it probably didn’t matter that much which clinic I chose, as they both had good reviews. They also reminded me of something that I firmly believe; everything in life will work out the way it’s supposed to. If it’s meant to be, it will be.

And so I completed my insanely stressful cycle of eeny meeny miney moe by finally making a decision. My gut had won.

It’s Now or Never: Exploring Being a Single Mother by Choice

Like most people growing up, I never imagined I’d be in a position where motherhood might not be an option. That wasn’t in my fairy tale. Not in my life plan.

Even now, at 37 years old (37 and a half, to be exact), it’s difficult to come to terms with the fact that my life has turned out nothing like I had planned. I didn’t slide into graduate school after undergrad. I didn’t fall into my dream career after I finished my grad degree. And I certainly didn’t find the man of my dreams at any point along the way.

To be honest, I feel like I’ve spent the last 20 years waiting for my life to start. I can accept the fact that I’m in a career that I only somewhat enjoy, that I’m not making tons of money, that I can’t afford to buy a house, and that I might spend the rest of my days living the so-called “carefree” lifestyle that young single people live (according to my envious coworkers). But the one thing that I can’t seem to accept is that I may never be a mother. That one is hard.

My coworkers were talking one day about using sperm donors to have children. They asked me if I would ever consider doing it. My response was “I don’t know”. And I really didn’t know. I had never considered it. Mostly because I knew it would be extremely expensive and I knew I wouldn’t have the money to do it. But also because I wasn’t sure if it was going to result in my child resenting me because I conceived them with the knowledge that they would grow up not knowing the other person they shared DNA with.

Oddly enough, my incredible and always supportive mother asked me a few weeks later (unaware that I had the conversation with my coworkers), if I had considered having a child on my own using a donor. She said that if it was something I was interested in, she would help me achieve it. Was it a sign that I was supposed to seriously consider it?

I started to think about it. And I thought about it. And I thought about it. Oh, and I cried about it too. It was sad to realize that I might never have a child. It was also a strange feeling to know that I might have a child with someone I didn’t know and would probably never know. It made me feel scared and sad to think that I might raise a child on my own without a partner to share in the exciting, loving, and life changing moments.

I came to realize that I was actually in mourning. Yes, mourning. I was mourning the loss of the life I had always pictured. The life that I wanted. The life that society deemed the most acceptable and the one that I always thought I’d have. I knew that at the end of the day, I would be okay with being single for the rest of my life. I was completely on the fence about whether or not I actually wanted a partner, especially after hearing all the horror stories of my coworkers’ divorces. But I knew that I would never be content in life unless I had a child to nurture.

I decided I had two choices; either continue to live my life as is, always feeling that something was missing, or take the leap and do everything I could to see if I can be a mother. I’ve always tried to live life without regrets, and I knew that if I didn’t at least look into it, I’d always think “What if?” And I couldn’t wait forever to make a decision. With my clock ticking, it was now or never…